my two

it's amazing to think that i am raising two girls. i like to think i helped raise my siblings {7, 9 & 11 years younger than me}, but it is an entirely different thing to actually be in charge of two tiny humans of my very own on a daily basis.

i remember when i was younger, with three younger siblings, thinking i wanted to have a large family of my own. i thought if i had the room and finances to take care of ten, i would do it. i'd have ten. little did i know it really wasn't about having "the room" or "the finances"... it's not even about having time or energy. because you most definitely will never have either of those. i honestly feel like it's "the mental capacity" that is really the ringer here. now i don't really think i'm mental, just normal. i think. and i don't have a hard time. most days. but there are those days {today being one of them} where it fools me into thinking "today will be a breeze". very much not. not a breeze. more like a tornado. but i only have two to raise and love. not ten. and when i think about taking those two and multiplying that by five??? what was i thinking...

i am the type that lives by a schedule. i don't have to, mind you, i just prefer it. if life can be put in an orderly fashion it makes me feel good. more confident, really. if i can prepare for a bit of what's ahead it makes me feel more comfortable. about what's ahead. i forget a lot of times that life doesn't work that way. in fact it is insistent on working not that way most of the time. and i'm okay with that. okay, i'm learning to be okay with that. but if i can keep my mind straight with some sort of organization {neat freak here} it helps my day. it helps me. if i can determine what we need to accomplish and want to do in a day's time then i can function at a higher capacity. if you throw me into a day without any warning or preplanning... well you are asking a lot from me. just remember that.

so each morning i wake up {okay, more like the night before when i'm lying in bed} i plot out what the next day holds and micro-plan a lot of it. and occasionally it works out in my favor. at least chronologically... but not always. but like i mentioned before, having somewhat of an itinerary/checklist is what i have always lived for. so i go through my day keeping track of time, and thanks to my phone i can set all sorts of reminders {ie: errands, appointments, etc}. i have even gotten to setting smaller alarms to remind me to do specific things with bee or maybe to put away my phone for a bit. but basically without this schedule-friendly lifestyle i would be total chaos.

okay, i think you get the idea...

so back to the girls.
i have been given these little ones to raise and take care of. and i have been given this very life in which to do that. and life is not a schedule {i'm learning}. it's a constantly moving, evolving and ever-changing experience. it's not about what gets done when. it's about now. right now. and that's something my girls are trying to teach me. they try so so hard to get through to me and i am that stubborn, hardheaded momma that just sometimes fights it. not intentionally, more like subconsciously. but, i am getting better. i really am. because now i recognize it. i actually can catch myself in the act. the very moment that i start. and i'll admit sometimes it scares me. to catch myself. and other times i really don't care. i'm human, too... right? but my point is i am trying. worrying about ridiculousness is just that. ridiculous.

all too often i get on my own case about how bad i'm doing. or how i can do better. but that latter thought is the one i try to stick with. i can do better. i can always do better. so when i am next in line at the post office with two baby girls hanging on me and i realize i forgot my wallet. it's okay. frustrating yes, but really not a big deal. not life threatening. and nobody's fault really. okay, so it is mine, but really. who cares? or when bee tries to potty train herself {yes, still not done with that, yet} it's okay. it's all okay. life goes on.

everyday i am given another chance to better my life and the life of my children. to learn, to grow, to love, to teach them, to love them, to hold them. to tell them over and over how much i love them. there's no time frame or checklist to go by. plenty of folks would be more than happy to say otherwise or give you that literature, but it doesn't matter. all that matters is that you love your children. that i love my girls. with everything i have in me. every tiny part of me. i want to live and breathe them. life is not about me and the unattainable. it's about them. and me with them. and what we are doing together that fills them and makes them into who they will be. i want them to be happy and love life and love me and adam. and i only have each day to do that. so my biggest task ahead, everyday, is to enjoy life. every moment. not to worry. worrying is not living.

here's to living. living and loving.

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